You Know I'm No Good
by mcdreamsteam
Summary: This is the story of 2 friends picked to live in a house and have their lives taped ... or not. Mark and Derek are best friends. Fun and hilarity ensue. Myriad of pairings but the 2 friends stay together through it all. What happens when one finds love?
1. Here's Looking At You, Kid

A 3-year-old Mark Sloan walked into the room alone, his mother having driven off as soon as he pushed the car door shut. A tall woman approached him, her heels making a clacking sound on the hard linoleum, that instantly made him cringe as if the sound caused a repressed memory to resurface. He kept his frown on his face as she smiled too widely at him, making him promises of fun.

He stomped on her shoe and walked over to a table where a few other children were coloring. He sneered at them, in his all-black outfit, complete with leather jacket, and demanded they give him their crayons. They did so, fear in their eyes as they ran from the table. One little boy ran to the teacher, crying about the mean new boy.

A peaceful expression at last fell upon his face as he sat in solitude, his paper and crayons his only companions. His isolation didn't last long, though. Before he knew it, a group of girls were making their way over to his table. They were quite impressed by the new rebel. 

A 3-year-old Derek Shepherd walked into the room, clutching his mother's hand tightly in his right hand, a doctor's bag given to him by his father in his left. The pair made their way over to the teacher, who was still consoling the little boy from the coloring table. She smiled at them and sent the little boy off to play, giving Derek and his mother her full attention.

The teacher made Derek the same promises of fun she had made Mark and a smile came across her face once she realized Derek's incessant stomping didn't mean he was going to step on her feet. He just had to go to the bathroom.

He ran off, while his mother continued to talk to the teacher. He came back moments later to ask her if she wanted to play with him. She bent down to his level and told him, as gently as she could, that she had to go grocery shopping and his father would come to pick him up later. He nodded, trying to be the big boy his daddy had told him he was. She left, after a long hug, and he turned back to his teacher, only to find she had moved on.

He surveyed the room and his attention was caught by a little boy who was scribbling intently on a piece of paper, trying to ignore the bevy of girls surrounding him. One tried to borrow a crayon and he got up to storm off, only to have them chase after him. Derek quickly assessed the situation and dug through his doctor bag until he found what he was looking for. He held the instrument proudly in the air, waving it in the air as he ran up to the boy, yelling, "Follow me!"

The pair ran and hid behind a cubby, safe from harm's way. "Girls are icky!" exclaimed Mark.

Derek nodded enthusiastically. "Super icky! Do you want a cootie shot?"

Mark stared, wide-eyed, at the boy in front of him. "A cootie shot?"

"To save you from all the girl cooties!"

Mark nodded enthusiastically, keeping a brave face on as Derek gave him the pretend shot. "Thanks. What's your name?"

"Derek."

"I'm Mark."

The boys played together throughout the day and waited anxiously as the parents began to show up. "My daddy's a surgeon. He prolly got stuck in surgery," Derek rationalized her father's lateness proudly. The clock kept on ticking until Derek and Mark were the only two children left. Derek's mother ran the room, her face displaying obvious relief as she spotted her son.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie. Daddy had to work late. And I was cooking dinner and ... oh! I forgot to turn to stove off!" She quickly got up to call the neighbor to tell her to turn the stove off. She returned and looked down at Derek expectantly. "We're going to have to get pizza tonight. Ready to go?"

Derek stole a quick glance at his new friend before turning back to his mother and shaking his head. "I can't leave Mark."

"Oh, well sweetie, I'm sure his mommy will be here soon. And Nancy got done with swimming 20 minutes ago so we really need to go pick her up." She turned to Mark, asking, "Your mother will be here soon, right?"

He merely shrugged his shoulders as he sat with his knees to his chest, his arms resting on his knees, his head resting in his hands. She suppressed a sigh before pulling up a chair to sit by the two boys. The teacher said it would be fine to leave and that she would stay until Mark got picked up, but Derek's mother just shook her head. "My son is not leaving until his friend gets picked up."

Another 15 minutes passed before the preschool phone rang. Mark's mother was calling to say she had lost track of time and she was running late. Derek's mother grabbed the phone from the teacher and asked how long she was planning to be. When she said she was 45 minutes away, Mrs. Shepherd shook her head and said she would take Mark home with her and his mother could come pick him up from there. She quickly gave her the address and hung up, loading the boys in the car as she sped to pick up Nancy before heading to the local pizza parlor.

The next morning, she took both boys back to preschool, Mark's mother never having shown up to pick him up.

As the years passed, Mark became a semi-permanent fixture in the Shepherd household. He mother was frequently absent and his father had disappeared a few weeks before his 4th birthday. Mrs. Shepherd was happy to take him in and adopt him as one of her own, even as her own family kept expanding. Kathleen was born when the boys were 4; Beth and Michelle when they were 6.

Derek and Mark constantly looked to each other for salvation as their home became more and more invaded with females and Derek's dad became more and more absent. They relentlessly begged Mrs. Shepherd for a tree house, and when they finally got it, they made a sign declaring 'No Girls Allowed' and used it as their constant hide-out.

They kept up this game until middle school, when they each started realizing girls weren't that bad. Naturally, their attention was both drawn to the same girl. Addison Montgomery. Mark was the more aggressive of the two and had pursued her first. She had rejected him, though. Derek had stepped up, eager to play the valiant gentleman and win out over his friend. They had "gone out" for a week or so before he had gotten into a fight with Mark, much to Samantha's excitement. They hadn't talked for a month afterwards.

They had made up eventually, though Derek claims it was only because of Beth's whining about missing her "other brother" and made it to high school, friendship intact.

During their high school years, Derek and Mark played the field quite a bit. Neither had a girlfriend for more than two weeks, up until their senior year. That was the year Derek's father, Michael, had passed away due to complications from a stress-induced heart attack. Being a doctor had literally killed him.

Mark was so sobered by the news that he kept a girlfriend for several months. Her name was Isobel Stevens and she had constantly supplied the family with home-cooked meals, offering her sympathies every 2.3 seconds. 

Eventually, though, she became too annoyingly perky for Derek and he was quick to snap Mark out of his funk, making both men single once more.

The family was distraught for months until Derek and Mark both stepped up to the plate, taking the position of 'men of the house', Mark having, for all intensive purposes, become a Shepherd. They continued fulfilling their self-imposed duties even after they went away to college, and later, med school.

They were there to interrogate Kathleen's first major boyfriend, George. George was a small kid with akward hair who seemed much too nervous for a high-school boy, but he came across as nice and sincere, so he was given the stamp of approval by the two men.

Kathleen and George dated for a year and a half before George met Izzie, who had stopped by the Shepherd household on one of her frequent visits home from school. She was under the illusion that she and Mark were still friends, even though Mark had managed to be out of the house for the past 27 times she had tried to visit him.

Still, she didn't get the message, and she tried once more. George answered the door, having become somewhat comfortable in the Shepherd household. The two began chatting while Kathleen finished getting ready for her date with George. When Kathleen came down, they said good-bye, but exchanged numbers to stay in touch. The mousy boy had fixed his hair and was more confident.

Mark and Derek were at med school at Johns Hopkins when they got wind of the news that George had cheated on Kathleen with Izzie. Immediately, they scheduled a trip back home to Maine. They showed up on George's doorstep two days later, much to his surprise, and fulfilled the promise they had made him about what they would do if he ever hurt their sister.


	2. Blast From the Past

**AN: So I've been asked to clarify the ages. Izzie is about 3 years behind Mark and Derek and George is 2 years younger than her, 1 year older than Kathleen. So when Mark and Derek are in their 1st year of med school, Izzie is a sophomore in college and George is a senior in high school and Kathleen is a junior. Make sense? **

**So this skips ahead a bit and pretty much explains itself. And it's a little short, but still important. Comments are greatly appreciated! **

**Sorry for the delay – the site's been giving me problems. **

**------- **

Derek rolled over slowly in his bed, clutching his forehead, eyes still closed, as he moaned, "Oh crap."

"Crap?" he heard an amused voice from across the room playfully respond, "I'd hardly say it was crap, Derek."

"Wha ... what?" he mumbled, speaking into his pillow, still refusing to open his eyes for fear it would only increase the pain in his head.

He opened his eyes slowly as a shirt hit his face and the woman's voice continued speaking, "Get up. I don't want to be late."

He held the shirt away from his face at arm length as his eyes focused on the image in front of him, allowing him a glimpse of the woman across the room zipping up her skirt. "What are you doing here?"

She gave him a loud sigh in response before sniping, "God were you that drunk?"

"Yes?" he answered hesitantly, unsure, but trusting his massive headache was a sign.

Suddenly, a glass of water and two pills held in a neatly manicured hand were in front of his face. "Here. Take this. Sit up slowly. We don't have any time for you to vomit this morning."

He followed her instructions and sat up, taking the pills as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "What happened?" he questioned, his throaty voice coated in confusion.

She finished buttoning her blouse and turned to examine herself in the mirror as she spoke, her voice crisp and wide awake, "Hospital social last night. You remember that?" She turned slightly to see him nod his head slowly and she continued, satisfied, as she continued examining her hair, "We went to some dive bar across the street and had a few drinks. Well," she corrected herself, laughing quietly, "I had a few. You had a lot. Obviously. And then we came back here. And had sex, which was not crap at all," she adds with a smirk as she tosses him his pants, "It was pretty amazing, actually. We should definately do it again. But now, you have to get dressed because we need to go."

"Go where?" he asks simply as he slips into his clothes, not responding to the rest of her answer quite yet.

"The hospital. Remember? We're interns now. We get to actually see real, living, breathing patients. And we're going to be late. So hurry up." She shoots him another quick glance, making sure he's almost ready before turning back to the mirror to fluff her hair. "You know, if I had known this was what I was missing, I wouldn't have let you dump me for Mark. We could have been having amazing sex for years." She turns back to him a small smirk playing on her lips. "I guess we'll just have to make up for lost time, won't we?"

He stares at her, his forehead wrinkled in deep confusion for a moment before the events of the previous night come rushing back to him and he lets out a small gasp as his eyes widen in surprise. "Addison?!"

"Yes," she replies slowly, unsure of where he's going with this. He shakes his head, mumbling to himself as he heads to the kitchen to get coffee. She calls after him, "Come on Derek! We need to go!"


	3. I Love Lucy!

**Thanks for the comments! Pairings will become clear later -- that's part of the fun!**

* * *

For the next three years, Addison, Derek and Mark worked together as interns. Addison and Derek continued to pursue a relationship, much to the excitement of Derek's sole elder sister, Nancy.

Nancy and Addison instantly hit it off, Nancy remembering her from all those years ago. They bonded over a former crush on Mark, though both agreed they had lost interest years ago. Mark had overheard one particular conversation they were having in the Shepherd's kitchen and interrupted, informing them that he was hardly flattered and had only ever played along with their flirting games because they were unattainable. One wanted Derek and the other was Derek's sister. His infatuation was nothing more than another outlet of friendly brotherly competition.

They laughed after he left the room, living in their own pretty worlds of denial, telling themselves they had bruised his fragile ego and he was still quite infatuated with the both of them.

Mark found Derek in the den and instantly started complaining, begging Derek to ditch Addison. Derek wrote it off as Mark being jealous and said things would be too akward if he broke up with Addison. Mark kept insisting the apocalypse was near, Addison and Nancy's newfound friendship surely being one of the biggest signs.

Regardless, Derek stayed in the relationship, refusing to heed his best friend's warnings. He was happy. Or content. Well, he wasn't miserable. It was just easier to stay with her. They fit. They worked. It was convenient. He brushed away the thought that his reasoning for staying in the relationship beared a striking similarity to one's reasoning for buying clothes at Walmart.

They all struggled with the same difficulties that all surgical interns suffered from. The constant demands, the lack of sleep, the pre-requisite of finding a way to shove 5 medical textbooks into one's brain. Derek didn't have time to find a new girlfriend, even if he wanted to. And he didn't want to, despite Mark's insistence every couple of hours that he did.

All of Mark's arguments couldn't change the fact that Addison was the type of girl Derek was supposed to marry. She was confident, she fit in well with the family, she was dedicated and ambitious, she was pretty and bossy, she knew him, and they had chemistry. He was able to check off all of the ingredients on his mental grocery list for his perfect wife.

Of course, that didn't mean he was ready to get married. He might be in a good, satisfying relationship, but that didn't mean he wanted to get married now. He didn't have time for marriage. That was the excuse he gave both Addison and Mark. Mark whole-heartedly agreed, doing everything he could to make sure his best friend would still be able to mark himself as single on his tax return.

Addison, on the other hand, always put up a fight. She was ready to be married, and thus, he should be too. They were the perfect couple. And this was a big thing. They were supposed to agree on this. She insisted that not much would change after they were married. He would just stop living with Mark. She told him he would make an amazing husband, trying to ease his doubt. He told her he would take her for granted.

The doctors would be starting their fellowships in a few short months, and Addison was determined to do hers at the same hospital as Derek. Derek, however, was less concerned with where Addison would be that he was with where Mark would be.

Mark and Derek had applied for 6 fellowship positions. They had each gotten accepted for 3, none of their acceptances coinciding. The dream team was going to be split up for the first time since they were 3.

Determined to make the most of their time left together, the two made plans to do a doctors-without-borders stint in Europe before beginning their fellowships.

Addison was by Derek's side until he had boarded the plane. She had even bought a ticket just so that she could be with him awhile longer. She had tried to invite herself along, but Mark had put his foot down, doing everything he could to prevent her from going without actually telling her he'd sooner jump out of the airplane than go with her to Europe. In fact, that's exactly what he planned on doing if she was planning to surprise them by following them.

Thankfully, they were able to get rid of her at final boarding call, though Mark literally had to drag his friend away. He shook his head at his friend's pitiful face and told him there would be no whining on the trip.

Derek said something about how the break would do them good and Mark forbid his friend from mentioning his girlfriend for the rest of the trip. Derek gave him a look of disbelief in response, but Mark merely shook his head in warning and Derek vowed to not mention another word related to his girlfriend of three years.

Derek had taken the window seat and Mark had plopped down in the aisle seat, leaving an empty seat between himself and Derek, assuming Addison had purchased one of the seats in their row, thankful for the extra space.

He was soon informed that he was wrong, though, when a tall thin woman with long dark blonde hair had told him he was sitting in her seat. He had shot back, with a smirk, that she was welcome to sit in his lap.

She had rolled her eyes in response, looking annoyed, and his friend had reached over to smack him and tell him to move, so he shifted over one seat, still watching the beauty, a smile on his face.

She struggled with getting her luggage in the overhead compartment and he was ever so kind to offer his help, not minding the closeness provided by the activity. He stood directly behind her, his body pressed into hers, as he offered his support. She had turned her head slightly to offer him a small smile before moving to allow him access to his seat.

The plane had taken off and the stewardess got around to taking drink orders. Both Derek and Mark had ordered double scotch, single malt, much to the amusement of the woman sitting next to Mark, as the verbalized their orders at the exact same moment. She had ordered tequila shots, causing Mark's eyebrows to raise at he looked at her in surprise.

"Scared of heights?" he questioned, assuming the obvious.

She shook her head though. "Scared of the ground."

He nodded in understanding, offering a warm smile. "So are you scared because of work or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," she responded, a hint of a smirk playing on her lips.

"I can help out with that ..." he responded playfully, trailing off as an invitation for her name.

"Lucy."

"Lucy," he repeated, letting it roll off his lips as a broad smile crossed his face. He could play this game. "I'm Fred and this," he said, pointing to Derek, "is Ricky."

Derek nearly spit out his scotch as Lucy erupted in laughter. Derek was able to hold his in, barely. "Uhh, I think you're Ricky and I'm Fred."

Mark shook his head, looking at his friend in confusion. "What are you talking about _Ricky_?"

Derek shrugged apologetically at Lucy, who smirked at him in return. "I don't think he gets it."

Looking between the two, Mark shook his head. "Shall I move so you two can get better acquainted?"

He tried not to notice the look the two shared across him before they both laughed off his question.

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**Read. Love. Review. More of the plane ride coming up when I get more comments. :D**


	4. Slow Down Baby

**AN: Thanks for the comments guys! Glad you're enjoying the story!**

* * *

Lucy was ordering a snack from the stewardess when Mark quickly turned to Derek to whisper, "You want her?"

Derek hesitated for a moment before shaking his head. "I have a girlfriend."

Mark responded with a playful smirk. "We can change that."

Again, Derek shakes his head. "I love Addison."

Mark turns away, making a disgusted face as Lucy turns back towards the boys, having heard the last comment. "Who's Addison?"

Mark was quick to respond with, "Satan."

Derek rolled his eyes and corrected his friend. "My girlfriend."

"She's awful," Mark shot back, eliciting a giggle from Lucy.

Lucy looked past Mark to Derek asking, "You're just going to let him say that? You're not going to say anything bad about his girlfriend? I want to see a bitch fight!"

He let out a soft chuckle, shaking his head, countering, "That would require him actually having a girlfriend."

She peered at Mark curiously and he leaned in to whisper in her ear, "You are free to do anything you want to me."

Mark and Lucy continued to flirt over the next few minutes as Derek stared out the window, sulking. He wasn't exactly sure why, since it was his decision to be a loyal boyfriend, but he kept doing it anyway. His attention shifted as he noticed Lucy getting up from her seat, shooting a quick smirk at Mark before heading towards the bathroom.

Mark turned towards his best friend with a jovial grin on his face, exclaiming, "I think I'm in love."

"You've known her for two hours."

"That's all it takes," he countered before patting his friends arm and heading towards the bathroom.

Derek shook his head and turned back towards the window, watching the clouds roll by for several minutes before he was distracted him by the stewardess, asking him if he wanted a refill. He quickly nodded and she took his glass.

"Where'd your friends go?"

"Renewing their club memberships."

She shoots a quick glance towards the back of the plane and takes the seat next to Derek. He looks at her curiously as she runs a hand through her mass of dark curly hair and takes a sip of Mark's scotch. "Would you rather I go back there and interrupt them?" she asks, her voice biting with sarcasm.

"Don't you have ... drinks to pour?"

"I'm not trying to seduce you, jackass. Untangle your pretty little panties."

"Then why are you sitting next to me?"

"There's an empty seat and I wanted a drink."

"Isn't that against the rules?"

"Having sex in an airplane bathroom is against the rules."

"Have you ever ..."

"Oh I see. First you don't want to sit next to me and now you want to discuss my sex life before you know my name. Charming, really. I'm sure you have to keep the girls away with a stick."

"Ricky," he says, smiling a little as he remembers Mark's impromptu plan earlier.

"Ethel."

He lets out a sharp laugh, looking at her in amused surprise. "Shouldn't you be getting to know Fred?"

"Who's Fred?"

"Fred's with Lucy."

"Oh Fred's the hot one." He pretends to look offended at her comment and she rolls her eyes adding, "We went over this already. I'm not attracted to you."

"But --"

"I'm immune."

"What?"

"That look. The McDreamy look. Doesn't work on me."

"But --"

"You're just not my type."

"I have a girlfriend."

"Good for you."

His eyes wander for a moment as he tries to process what had just happened. He was used to girls falling all over him. This was new. Being rejected without even trying to get anywhere was new. He consoled himself with the thought that if he really wanted, he could get her to fall for him just like every other girl. He ignored the voice in the back of his mind that was laughing viciously at his little white lie as he stared out the window.

Mark came back to his seat and Derek's attention was once again drawn away from the window as he watched Ethel flirt shamelessly with Fred, slipping him her number and heading off with a smirk as Lucy sat back down in her seat, still fixing her hair.

Mark thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the plane ride, spending his time flirting with both girls. The plane landed and he was in no mood to end his fun, so he invited both girls to dinner with him and Derek. The girls had looked at each other appraisingly upon receiving the invitation, but both had accepted it.

Mark turned to grin at his best friend when they had a moment alone and told him that he was, of course, going to try for both of them, but if he could only have one, Derek was to distract Lucy. Just for the sake of balance, he assured his friend, who was looking at him like he was crazy.

The girls joined them and the boys raised their eyebrows as they took in the lack of luggage. Lucy carted a single backpack while Ethel carted nothing, having stored her belongings in an employee locker. Both girls tried unsuccessfully to hold in their laughter as they eyed the boys' large pile of suitcases.

"We're here for 6 months!" Mark exclaimed, defensively.

"So am I," Lucy shot back, her voice challenging.

As the group moved towards the restaurant, Derek turned to Lucy, ignoring Mark's instructions that he was supposed to be invisible unless given the signal -- three short coughs followed by a scrunching of the face and a sip of water. "Why are you here for 6 months?"

"Oh, you know, the typical 'I have to work my way through a foreign continent with no money to find out who I really am before I can figure out what I want to do with my life.'"

"So you're taking a year off before starting college?"

She shook her head quickly, adding, "I graduated in May."

"So ..."

"I'm hesitating."

"You're hesitating."

"Yes. Why are you here?"

"I'm a doctor," he says, letting a certain amount of cockiness creep into his voice that does not go unnoticed.

"Am I supposed to be impressed?" she responds dryly.

He's taken aback for a moment, but quickly recovers, "Most girls are. Most girls love it."

"Funny. I thought you were talking to me, not most girls."

He frowns, not used to a girl not falling all over him once he lets it slip that he's a doctor. His mind grasps for some quick-witted response, but all he can come up with is, "Mark's a doctor too."

She raises her eyebrows playfully at this, teasing, "Who's Mark?"

His eyes widen as he realizes his mistake and quickly backtracks, "The guy in the seat behind you that kept kicking your seat."

"The 6-year-old?" she responds, unable to keep the laughter out of her voice.

He nods, determined not to dig himself further into the hole. "Yep."

"That still doesn't explain why you're here," she presses, letting the subject of 'Mark' drop.

"We're in the Doctors without Borders program."

"We?"

"Fred and me."

"Ahh, Fred," she responds, a smile forming on her lips as she continues, "The guy who's trying to have a threesome with the stewardess and me."

Again, his eyes widen slightly, this time in surprise at her insight, not even bothering to try to deny her statement. He merely shakes his head and lets out a short laugh. His thoughts are interrupted as a menu makes contact with his head. His mouth falls open as he turns to look at his friend, the assailant, in confusion. "What the hell ..."

He's cut off by his friend's angry glare. "The poor waitress has been trying to seat us for 10 minutes! You would know that if you weren't so busy flirting with Lucy!" he hisses under his breath, "I said three coughs, not two sneezes!"

Mark turns back to the short, red-headed waitress who's watching the pair nervously, offering her an apologetic smile, stealing a quick glance on the nametag on her red shirt. "I'm sorry, Olivia. Where do you want us to sit?"

She led them wordlessly to a booth in the back and Mark laid a hand on her arm, leaning in to whisper a compliment in her ear before taking the seat next to Derek, who just shook his head, shooting Lucy an apologetic glance.

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**Read. Love. Review. Thanks!**


	5. Queens of the Night

After the food had been delivered and the waitress had gone off, Lucy turned to Ethel, speaking loud enough for the boys to hear from across the table, "She looks like fun. I've always heard redheads are wild in bed. Should we invite her to join us?"

Mark chokes on his drink, hastily coughing, trying to cover up his shock. Derek's eyes widen and his mouth falls open a bit, the bite of steak halfway to his mouth long forgotten. Ethel merely raises a single eyebrow and responds, "Sure. The more the merrier."

Mark nearly falls out of the booth as he hastens to catch the attention of a passing waiter, demanding he get his check immediately, despite the waiter's claims that he got off five minutes ago. The scared boy returns a moment later, check held in his shaking hand. Mark tears it away, tearly ripping the thin paper in the process. Olivia comes back to pick it up and Mark quickly prompts the girls, "Lucy? Ethel? Wasn't there something you wanted to say to Olivia?"

The two girls exchanged a look before plastering wide smiles on their faces and turning to the confused waitress. "What time do you get off?"

"Uhh ... in four hours."

The girls exchanged another look before turning their attention back to Mark. "Too bad. Guess we'll just have to work extra hard to make up for it."

Derek was still staring in disbelief, unable to believe his friend was actually getting this lucky. When he'd talked to Lucy earlier, he hadn't gotten the impression that she would fall all over his friend, and yet here she was, leaving his usually smooth and calm friend stuttering and shocked.

The foursome got up and Lucy turned to Derek, offering him a fliratious wink. "Too bad you have a girlfriend. We could have had some fun," she adds, before latching onto Mark's right side as Ethel grabs onto his left arm and the trio makes the way over to the hotel.

Mark booked a room in record time, requesting a double-suite. He turned to the girls, offering them his infamous grin, and they played right along, gushing over his impressive funds. They made their way into the elevator, both girls still flanking his sides, happily letting him feel them up as they each latched onto his ass, squeezing tightly.

He pulled champagne out of the mini-fridge, offering them both a glass. They had both taken a seat on the edge of the bed, watching him as he stood directly in front of them.

"He needs to be naked," Lucy noted, turning to Ethel for confirmation.

Ethel nodded and turned to Mark. "Strip," she commanded.

He grinned, happily complying as he took off his shirt, taking his time as he let them thoroughly examine his taut stomach with their eyes. His pants came next, as he tossed them his belt, causing Lucy to giggle wildly, clapping her hands. Ethel is thoroughly amused as his boxers land on her head, removing them quickly to prevent them from further limiting her view.

Lucy suddenly stood up, instructing the others to wait as she retrieved something from her purse. She returned moments later, holding a pair of handcuffs. Mark's eyes darkened as she smiled seductively at him. "Get on the bed."

Again, he complied as she straddled his body while handcuffing him to the headboard. Once the cuffs were secure, she quickly hopped off, leaving him confused. She turned to Ethel, grinning wildly. "Did you get it?"

His eyes travel from one woman to the next, trying to comprehend what's going on. "Why am I the only one naked?"

Lucy returns to his side after receiving a nod from Ethel, rubbing her hand over his abs. "Because you're the prettiest," she responds simply, soothingly.

He's so distracted by Lucy that he doesn't notice as Ethel pulls a camera from her bag. He turns his head as the flash catches his eyes, watching as both girls offer him a small wave, giggling madly as they flee the scene, clutching his clothes in their arms, leaving the door wide open behind them.


	6. Love Machine

Derek made his ways over to the hotel across the street, figuring that was about as far as his friend had made it, with the two horny girls on his arms. He stopped by the hotel bar, ordering his double scotch, single malt as he pulled out his cellphone and checked his 37 messages. Apparently, his girlfriend would be dead and rotting when he returned because she simply could not survive another moment without him.

He didn't feel like calling her, knowing she would keep him on the phone all night and he wanted to get some sleep before he left with Mark. So, he finished his scotch and meandered over to the elevator. The doors closed and he watched the number light up with mild interest as his bag rested on his shoulder.

The doors opened on his floor and his face crinkled in confusion as he found himself standing in front of the two girls who had left with Mark. Both were giggling madly and smirking enough to make Derek quirk an eyebrow.

The blonde one, Lucy, entered the elevator first, Ethel lagging behind, watching her amusedly. Lucy walked right up to Derek, stopping only inches away, as she pressed her hand onto his chest. He felt his breathing quicken as he found himself overwhelmed with her aroma, only to realize she had stepped past him and was leaning against the back wall, next to Ethel.

It was then that he noticed he had raised his own hand to his chest, clutching a paper that she had handed off to him. He stepped out of the elevator, turning his head slightly to give her a small nod, to which she merely smirked in response.

It was only when the doors closed behind him that he looked at the polaroid. His eyes widened in surprise and he turned back to stare at the elevator, despite knowing that the doors had already closed. He let out a hearty chuckle, looking back at the picture, realizing what had happened.

And that was when he looked down the hall and noticed a large crowd of women huddled around one room. He made his way closer and pushed his way through the crowd, earning himself several angry glares.

Finally he was able to see what they were so intrigued by. He stood there in shock for a moment, before erupting in laughter. He felt his knees go weak as he bent over, gasping for breath as he laughed harder than he ever had before.

His friend caught sight of him and his eyes opened widely in shock and anger. "Derek!"

Derek held up his hand, as if thinking that would do for a sufficient apology, continuing to laugh heartily. He felt himself being pushed to the side and looked up to see Lucy and Ethel had returned, somehow grinning even more than they had been when he had seen them in the elevator.

And then he noticed their hands were no longer empty.

Lucy uncapped the chocolate syrup bottle, squeezing out the liquid sauce to spell "McSteamy" on his friend's bare chest.

Ethel pulled out the whipped cream and took to decorating the rest of Mark's body with the fluffy substance.

Once both cans were empty, the women turned to the crowd. "Have fun!" they shouted gleefully before once more leaving the room, erupting in giggles.

"Derek! Run after them! Catch them! You can't let them get away with that."

Derek merely bit his lip, trying to hold in his laughter as the swarm of females closed in on his friend. Mark's eyes widened in panic and he looked at Derek helplessly. "Cover me up! I feel violated!"

Derek shook his head, small bits of laughter still escaping from his lips as he turned to exit the room, leaving his friend to the vultures, laughing as his friend continued to shout his name.

* * *

**No comments on the last chapter? I thought it was kind of hilarious. Ahh well. I won't post the next part until I get comments. :D**


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